woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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