Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize