Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
