in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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