well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
