Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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