Welp...herpes.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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