chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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