You made me cry and you don't even care
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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