apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
