you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize