so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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