if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i think im in europe. pls send help
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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