I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All the doctor said was why
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
