I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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