she looked like the before picture.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
