1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
