Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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