yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
