Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
