So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
