Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
