Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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