i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
