You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
