woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
