she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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