You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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