I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Randomize
