Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
