There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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