So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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