My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
