I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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