so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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