Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dicks are not precious.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
