I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
