i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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