Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
