Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
