Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
