don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
