So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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