just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He did a backflip because drugs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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