I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
