If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
