All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
