I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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