it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
