I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
