She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
