sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my being single is dangerous.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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