You can't special order awesome
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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