I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
