New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
