I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
